Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday Nights

You don't even know how much you can crave a voice until you know that you won't hear it again this side of eternity.

This is week 3 of me having a tough, sad time on Friday night. It was on a Friday we had the funeral, and I don't memories flood my soul on Friday night for some reason.

The tears are good for me. I always tell my babies at work, that it's OK to cry, and that it's OK to miss someone.....those things mean that you really loved them. And so it is for me, my tears are proof that this heart yearns for my grandma so much. My missing her is a testament to the life that she lived and the devotion she showed her family.

The time will go by. It always does. Life gets loud and busy. Distractions literally land in my lap. But in the quiet of the evening, when things are still. My mind and spirit remember, and they just downright mourn the fact that I don't have any grandparents anymore. In the evenings, on Fridays, I feel lonely, even if I am around other people.

So this Friday night I will face the feelings. Just go ahead and let myself be sad for a while. And in the morning, I will rise to a new day, to a life that is rich in what counts. To sunshine and cool breezes. But tonight I miss my grandma a lot. I would love a hug and to hear "I love you Brina!" and I want to kiss that beautiful face and say "I love you grandma!" and hug her tight and sit and laugh and share life with her.

Friday nights.....sigh....Friday nights....

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Planning for a 30th Birthday

To me it is wonderful that I enjoy celebrating my birthday all month. I claim April as a month of grand things. Friends, gatherings, family, get-togethers, laughter, desserts, gifts, beautiful moments. My birthday month!

When my grandma passed, I went back and forth about my birth month. Is it OK to be truly happy again, so soon after my loss? Is is selfish, to celebrate the start of a special year, when in my quiet times, I still miss my grandma so much. My new friends at church were wise though...."Did your grandma love life?" Yes for sure! She was a lively lady! "Then, she would want you to enjoy and have a wonderful birthday!"

So, I am going to keep with plans to have a fabulous, Sabrina-style April. Welcoming 30 in many ways. *I SO want to go on a big trip like so many of my friends. But this is not the time financially. Maybe by the Fall? Beautiful pictures of crystal clear, bright blue water have me thinking island time would be just grand! OR Next Spring getting back to DC and enjoying the Cherry Blossom Festival!*

Ok, time to exit dreamland;)
Plans so far for a splendid birth month....
*Fish-fry lunch and FSU circus
*Book Club-Birthday Edition
*Prayer Group
*Canvas and Cupcakes
*Favorite Things Party

Sunday, March 1, 2015

To Know Her was to Love Her

My goodness what a time this has been.
I am back home and taking the evening to breathe and just be.

My grandma passed away peacefully on February 21st.
Her life was celebrated beautifully on February 28th.

The time between was filled with every single emotion conceivable.  Joy as I laughed at some of the hilarious things that "ma" had said during the years. Heartbreak when memories invaded and I realized again, that I won't get a chance to hear her voice calling me "Brina".

For such a busy and heavy week, everything boiled down to the title of this post....
To know Her was to Love Her.
So simple.
So perfect.
So her.

The church and her home were filled to the brim with those who knew what it was to be loved by Laura Bernice Miles. I can attest, to 29 years of that love. It was magnificent. Light and happy and comforting and just right. She loved with arms wide open, with a heart that saw all people and welcomed them in. She loved so much that it was contagious. My own mama is overflowing with love, and that is because she was loved by her mother. I love, because I was loved and taught love daily by my mother and grandmother.

That is good stuff right there, actually the very best kind of legacy. I am so proud of the down home lovin' that is alive within me. So very proud, that I am a woman that my grandma would be proud of. So thankful, for her and her life and the sweet memories that will forever be mine.

My grandma will forever live in me, she will appear as I extend and enjoy hospitality with others. She will appreciate when I love my family and cherish them. She will smile as I enjoy a good, gut-deep laugh.

To know her was to Love Her. To be Loved by her was to be truly Known. That peaceful thought will be my comfort. That happy, sincere smile will be my motivation. Seeing her again in Heaven one day will be my hope.

Farewell sweet grandma, I love you with all of my heart. I always have and I always will.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Saturday Morning with Sabrina

I don't even fight it anymore. No matter what time I go to bed on Friday. I am up before 8 on Saturday. And I mean wide awake, can't stay in bed, "up".

My Winter Saturdays always look a little different, but in general they are peaceful....and I love that!
Waking up early in prayer and meditation, paves the way for the start of an incredible day. Literally, no one but my daddy wants calls or texts, early on Saturday. So prayer, and blogging and writing in my journal allow me to get some communication time. I am a big communicator, I know you probably had not noticed that:)

A cup of tea is great for me! My mama started me on fruit flavored hot tea back in highschool....and years later it is my "thing". I can't get it together every morning...but Saturday...always!

I usually piddle around for a while, try to find the most comfortable outfit in my closet, then head to the grocery store. I fill up the car, and all of those small Saturday errands. And then it's like 10:00 and I am home and ready for a nap! I know, I know! It does not even make sense to people. Why not sleep in and then just power through the day? At this point it is a habit, and my quiet way of starting up for Saturday works for me.

If I am being super productive, I get some housework done. Laundry and such.
I love Saturday mornings, getting to let the mind wander and dream. Do you have any time where it is so quiet and free that your mind can dream? It's glorious! Dreaming is not just for children, and my dreams and hopes and wishes are some beautiful, unique things.
Have a most wonderful Saturday!
Time Stamp: 8:17 (see I told ya!)

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Last day of January/Start of new Patterns

Never has the end of January felt so mature.
The 31 days of January 2015 were the soil to plant seeds for this entire year.
I was purposeful....and that is some very good news.

Purposeful in what you might want to know? I will share some areas that were carefully planted in the start of this year. I can't wait to check back in throughout 2015 to see what the harvest yields.

I am SO proud of this one, because it was and will not be easy. For a woman, who has so many things together, I have been unhappy with my financial situation for a while. Knowing you need to change, and actually making changes however are two different things. I knew though, that I did not need to go into 30 with money woes and concerns about debt. So big changes are on the way. Dave Ramsey, and maturity, and future hopes, and prayer are my supports. My taxes are filed, I am ready (on paper) for February's budget, and my mind and spirit are set on changes. My simple prayer is that God change my behavior with money.

I am accepting help along the way at work. I am digging in and working hard. I have a once a week Practicum student, who is actually a friend from my stint at UGA! Small world! I am working with a woman who is getting her Masters online, by providing experience with lesson planning etc. I finished my course to have a school counseling intern one day. A few small clouds have come across the horizon, but my kiddies are always worth it. I have been amazingly humbled by the recommendation letters written about my work. My simple prayer is that God guide me, the many Title 1 schools, my two former schools and really watch out for the state of education in my home-state.

Growing in faith, keeping my inner spiritual light shining. Those things don't happen if you lose focus. I have made mistakes a'plenty, but I have asked for great and wide and deep forgiveness. Praise God for his love and his plan for me! Teaching the Ladies' Wednesday Bible class for 3 weeks was refreshing for my spirit. It was a time to get quiet, study, learn, listen and share. I feel lighter and more focused on "heavenly pursuits". I am meeting more and more truly wonderful people, at my church home of Meridian Woods Church of Christ. Many remind me of the love of my church home back in Jax, and also in Athens. My goal for this entire year and my constant prayer, is to love the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength. And in that comes the idea of constantly becoming a better Sabrina. The sacrifice of my Savior is worth any small changes in me, that is for sure!

30 before 30 list-
Fun, exciting, best idea ever! I love, love my 30 before 30 list. It has added experiences, goals, and vibrancy to this 29th year. I can't even tell you how much I am enjoying this list of mine. Yayyyy!

Saturday, January 3, 2015

This year will bring on 30

Everywhere I look, friends and acquaintances are turning 30, or already have at some point in the last few months.

I think it is a pretty great thing. A life milestone, that is a privilege, a responsibility and yet can still be packed with excitement and fun! 

I have seen the dread, the method of casual ignoring, the despondency, the happiness, and in my case the mounting enthusiasm that turning 30 can bring.

My 20's were very good years. A LOT of things happened to me and for me and around me and near me in my 20's; that shaped me into the woman that I am at this moment. A whirlwind of lessons that have stuck, and have given me backbone and hope, over time. And please know that my 20's showed me great grief and great joy. Both, life is about both. Both will come to you. Be a survivor, it is worth it!

And you know what my secret to 30 is, actually my secret to my 30's? Lean in close, you are not going to want to miss this....My secret is that going into my 30's I have a bold hope for all of the best that life can offer. Why in the world not? I am going into these years with my expectations high, I am going in still believing in dreams, and passion and joy and fulfillment. I am seeing my 30's as a time to share of myself, and also build for myself. That combination should work well.

There is a wisdom that this "old soul" has acquired and so there are some things I know.
I know that my faith is paramount, and no matter what 30 holds, if it does not bring me closer to God and help me be more faithful in my walk, then I don't want it. It is as simple and as difficult as that. Life will bring me back to this point again and again.

I know that feelings are important but that they are transient and fleeting. In my 30's I want a life that builds on my total character, not just one that feels "good". There is more to life than feeling "good" and I want that more, though I am sure it will come at a price.

I know that there is a better Sabrina inside me. In my 30's, if I can continue to be the authentic Sabrina, smiling yet a deep-thinker; quirky yet kind; praying yet pushing ahead. If, I can be those things and so much more, well then my 30's and I should get along just fine. Also, the better Sabrina will have to be honest with herself. If you can't be honest about the true starting line, well then you are not going to win the race. So, seeing my spiritual, familial, financial, health, and personal life as they are right now, and knowing that my 30's will bring growth; I start moving ahead. Baby steps sometimes and maybe leaps sometimes, but progress, I look toward progress.

Enough for now I think, but the well is not dry on this topic of turning 30. Not at all.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

In 2015

In 2015

2015 will be here so very soon! Here is my annual look into a brand new year. Past posts are year 2011 , 2012 , 2013 , and 2014.

*Friends and family I know will have babies, and begin new relationships, and get engaged, and get married and some might beak-up. But growing families is definitely the theme of life as 30 approaches.
* I have a back and forth relationship with fitness. But in the New Year, I want to try again to focus on health..starting with getting a bike!

*People that I know and love will pass away or suffer through illness
* It has been one year since my first date with Kenneth! I greatly, look forward to seeing how our journey develops in 2015:)
* Being dedicated to saving more and paying back what I owe (finally signing up for Financial Peace University in January)
* No moves this year, just continuing on (a stable season I hope) with a solid job and life in Tallahassee.
* This year, returning to focus on the foundation of my faith, " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Deut.6:5 Aka The Greatest Commandment
*Vacations and trips with family and friends! Maybe I will even take myself on a "just me" getaway. No big trips, but a pleothra of small trips sounds just right this year.
*Turning 30!!!!, and welcoming in another year of maturity and awe. Oh yeah, and finishing my own 30 by 30 list!

For the past 4 years I have used the words below to end these posts. I reread them and they are still the perfect conclusion.
Now with all of that said I will say this.....2015 is a completely unknown entity. Sure, I know some things but they are so tiny compared to what I have no idea about. The key is to hold fast to God, have faith and grace, love my family and friends, and be the very best Sabrina Maude Stewart that I can be.....that should not be too hard ( I am kidding) it will probably take me 365 days to kind of get it right!