And you would be right, sometimes this brain gets to whirling, and the thoughts just won't leave me alone. Often, I write in my personal journal, or call/text friends and family. And then sometimes, I come here to my tried and true blog, and just share some insights from my world.
This morning and for the last few mornings, I have been reflecting on seasons of change. Because, no matter how much young Sabrina thought I would be "settled" by now (and not even referring to marriage so much, as job, home, community), 30 year old Sabrina knows those childhood visions are going to have a vastly different timeline.
Anyway, here is what I am coming to realize. I think I am very good at taking the calculated risk. I think that I have both a fearless side and a fearful side. And when you blend the two, you get me! This mixture of a girl who looks around and believes in dreams and hopes, but also keeps her feet on the ground and lives in the land of lists and plans set in stone. No wonder, sometimes I feel like I have this internal flux going on. Like a rollercoaster, that I built myself to have dips and heights and valleys, and yet at the same time I want to tear down and build something less rigid, something more open and that does not take a safety harness to keep me upright.
Risk and failure, the words themselves can still make me shiver. Somewhere in my head, I just do not want to lose. I want to win, be successful, have it all work out. And, I know I am not alone, but I also know who wants to admit such a thing. That the pursuit of getting what I want, even when approached in humble ways, still is a pursuit that will not satisfy.
Risk and failure, now of course I have had failures in my life, and boy do I have the memories to show for them. But lo and behold, I am still here! Loving life and trying really hard to both love others and love me. The failures did not, in fact kill me, as I felt they would in the moment. I have learned some bittersweet life lessons from the rejections, twists, and "no's" of life.
Risk and failure, I am coming to a new place in life, where I know I am being called to welcome these experiences. I am growing to a point where I don't run from them but instead I can be still and let life do what it will. Now, I don't think I will ever be the one to run towards risk, completely sure that no matter what it will be worth it in the end. But, if I can learn to embrace the challenge, and try something new, even if it does not fit in with my "plans", then I will have done a lot of necessary growing.
So I guess this is me, saying that I am coming to accept myself more and more, for all that I am. Both the glowing creative spirit, and the over-thinking list junkie. She is actually quite something, this Sabrina who will be 31 in April. Here's to me being able to come back with a good and true report, of how life served me both lemons and sugar (depending on the days) and I stirred up a mighty fine tasting lemonade, that refreshed my spirit, and tasted so delightful, that mix of sour and sweet, that I drained the cup dry, and then was brave enough to go back and make another batch. Yeah, that sounds about right!
