Silent Apology

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse."
 Kimberly Johnson


I wonder to myself, is it pride? A part of me knows that it was a mix of pride and very hurt feelings that made me end a friendship very abruptly. It took my courageous, and bold sister to tell me the truth I did NOT want to hear. I had a friend, and I cut her off, and that was the wrong thing to do. The first time Melanie told me this I did not want to hear it....but like the best of sisters she bought it up again and again until I was ready to hear the honest truth.

There is an apology that I have in my heart that I will probably never find the guts to give. Maybe this will change as I continue to grow in grace. I rationalize it and say...."She has a busy life". "There is no way she misses me". "She has many other friends." "The last time I saw her it was just so awkward....that was her sign that she did not want to stay friends".
BUT
The thing about truth is that it is not distracted by my thoughts. And truth hit me square in the heart the other day as I was watching the Oprah series finale. She showed a video segment that has stayed with me for quite some time.

The best way I can share what is in my heart is the last part of this video. When I saw this on Oprah's final show it literally took my breathe away and bought tears to my eyes. I guess because it was so real and is part of what I cannot say. I guess it was because it was a fearless move.

The part that rocked me in its truth was from minute 1:45 on..... (video found here)

"I couldn't recognize it. I didn't even know what it was." 
Now, my case is not exactly so dramatic. But the truth is still there. I had a friend and in the end I could not recognize what our friendship was becoming and so I jumped ship. Instead of a natural end, instead of talking and trying, I cut it off completely and prematurely. And I am sorry for that.

How often do we get a chance to be this truthful? To bear our very vulnerable hearts and hope and pray that the others in our life extend the grace and forgiveness that we need, and not what we deserve.

Time washes away memories like sand on a beach. Time will tell if I get the courage to do what I know is needed. Maybe, time and faith will make it a little easier, because even now it is still hard. I am not through with this struggle yet. Time will allow me to grow and continue to admit that friendship is not easy, and though I am a friendly person I am also flawed. Time will grow the sacred friendships that sustain me and allow me to grow and change and develop into what I can be.... instead of what I am.

* A heavy post I know.....one that I would typically write in my own personal journal. But I felt like typing this evening and this was the result. As my research professor always says....we have to get our thoughts down on paper sometimes....letting them run wild in our mind, takes up energy and does not get us anywhere.
Night:)