Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Not this Time

When I left Tallahassee back in 2010 there is one thing that I look back on now and notice. In fact it kind of hits me right between the eyes and reminds me that life and change happens to us all.

In the midst of a move, and starting and endings, I realize now that in one area I was very naive. Let's see...I was 25 at the time. But I still know now that I had completely unrealistic expectations for my long distance friendships. Thank Goodness I can get that huge rock off of my chest.

I really just did not keep it in my mind that my relationships with many of my Tallahassee friends would change. That they would have to. In the midst of the hustle and bustle, I did not even think about this fact. And in the end I let myself (me taking full ownership for my actions and reactions) be hurt more than a few times. I have grown from it however, and learned, and things are better now....so in the end it all worked out, as it always does.

But...

This year another change is coming. I am pretty sure another move is coming as well.....and I am not going to repeat history. I just don't think I and my heart can let it happen again. I am human and I don't handle hurt and disappointment well at all. Shocking surprise I know;)  This time around I am going to carefully and I pray wisely acknowledge both the strengths and weaknesses between my GA friends and myself. I won't wait until I am sitting at graduation to realize that the cohort I love is disbanding. That the wave of life is taking me and my friends farther apart both in distance and experiences. No, not this time.

It can be different if I will just give myself time. There does not have to be a burden attached to times of transition. I can own up to my clingy flaws and try to look at the reality of the situation. In these days of media, and quick everything, most people my age don't call. They text, or email, or whatever. I will have to decide if I will be the friend who continues to keep in touch, because after a while that gets to be too hard. And people begin to rely on it and one day you jolt to the realization that for every 8 attempts at communication you only get 2 or 3 responses. (Is that pitiful? Does it hint at even deeper problems? No time to go into all of that at the moment.) Or if I will just bloom wherever I am planted next, and always look back fondly at the two years I have spent here in Athens.

Lots of things to think about as the months progress. Where do you draw the line between safety and rejection? What does friendship look and sound like for a single girl in her late 20's who is living sort of far from her home? Am I more resilient than I give myself credit for? I am placing two feet very shakily on this path that encompasses hundreds of steps. We shall see how it turns out.

3 comments:

annie said...

i've been loving your posts lately; they're so thoughtful. have you heard of the book "boundaries"? it's come recommended to me a few times; i haven't picked it up yet, but it might be something you're interested in as you try to juggle friendships and discover which ones are worth pursuing through the seasons. also, just know: you are not alone in your frustrations. friendships in adulthood have turned out to be difficult, particularly when so many of them become long distance. here's what i'm learning: the good ones are worth the effort. they're worth the forgiveness and the phone calls and the emails. i think, sooner or later, we'll figure out which ones are worth that effort. :) just know you're not alone in figuring it all out.

Anonymous said...

I try not to take it too personally when I lose touch with someone I used to be close to. I know I have a hard time keeping up my end of the friendship. Remembering the good times is always helpful to me. I think of the good times we had but try to realize that this is just a part of life. Try not to feel too bad...try to remember the good times. You are so fun and upbeat, you are sure to make lots of good friends during every stage of your live. ~Cherika

Sabrina said...

Thank you both for the thoughtful and insightful comments! Annie, I have heard very good things about that book. Cherika you are right, the cycle of friendships is just a part of life and growing up. But it's still difficult. I guess we will all just keep on working it out in the best way that we know how.